Simon Was Just Standing There Smelling Garbage (So Charlene Gave Him a Clipboard)

 
Simon Was Just Standing There Smelling Garbage (So Charlene Gave Him a Clipboard)

Under the Bed Chronicles
There was a moment — small, innocent, completely preventable — where Simon was just… there.
Not supervising.
Not documenting.
Not influencing operations in any way.
Just standing by the trash.
Sniffing it.
Studying it.
Like the garbage had depth. Like it had a past. Like if he just stayed long enough, it might explain itself.
And Charlene, who had an actual business to run and exactly zero time for a raccoon conducting a full emotional audit of a banana peel, made a decision:
“He needs something to do.”
So she handed him a clipboard.

Chapter 1: The Assignment That Became a Promotion

This was supposed to be a task.
A distraction.
A gentle redirection away from… whatever was happening at the trash can.
But Simon did not receive it as a task.
He received it as purpose.
Within minutes:

• Clipboard: activated

• Tote labeled KING SHEETS: secured

• STOP whistle: acquired under mysterious circumstance

He began:

• Inspecting things that were already clean

• Nodding like systems were revealing themselves to him

• Pointing at dust bunnies like he personally uncovered them

And then, without hesitation…
He promoted himself.

Supervisor

No discussion.
No training.
No measurable skill set.
Just confidence and a clipboard.

Chapter 2: The Schedule, According to Simon

Eventually, Simon found the schedule.
A carefully built system based on:

• Timing

• Geography

• Laundry flow

• The reality that same-day turns are basically an Olympic event

Simon studied it.
Paused.
And decided it needed… interpretation.
The updated schedule now includes:

• Circles around things that were already important

• Arrows that lead nowhere

• Notes like “watch this one” and “tighten up energy here”

• One property labeled: “morning house” with no explanation

Simon refers to this as:
“High-level operational thinking.”

Chapter 3: The Phone (We’re Not Convinced)

Simon has also stepped into communications.
We would love to confirm it was a real phone.
We cannot.
What we can confirm:

• He found something vaguely rectangular

• Held it to his ear with authority

• Pressed what may have been buttons… or crumbs

• Nodded several times

• Said, “We’re adjusting things on our end

No one was on the other line.
But Simon walked away like he had just handled something important.


Chapter 4: The Birth of Under the Bed Chronicles

After several months of:

• Crawling under beds

• Witnessing things that defy explanation

• Processing towel usage on a deeply personal level

Simon reached a breaking point.
And like any completely unqualified individual with access to a clipboard…
He started a blog.

Under the Bed Chronicles

Not a hobby.
A record.

What Simon Has Seen

• Things Under Beds
Simon calls them “findings.”
We call them “please don’t bring that into the light.”

• Towel Math Crimes
Simon cannot solve towel math.
But he knows when something is wrong.
Examples include:

• 14 towels used by 2 people

• Washcloths that have disappeared into another timeline

• Bath mats placed with chaotic inten

He circles these events aggressively.
No solutions.
Only judgment.

• The Glitter Files (An Ongoing Investigation)
Simon does not believe glitter is accidental.
He believes it is:

• Intentional

• Strategic

• Possibly coordinated

He has begun documenting it as:

Glitter Crimes

Punishment (according to Simon):

• Emotional life sentence

• Permanent suspicion

• Immediate clipboard notation

Chapter 5: Ask Simon (No One Approved This)

Because documenting chaos wasn’t enough…
Simon launched:

Ask Simon

A completely unqualified advice column based on things he has witnessed and refuses to forget

Selected Advice

“Dear Simon, how many towels should I use?”
Simon:
“Less than whatever journey you just went on.”


“Dear Simon, should I strip the beds?”
Simon:
“Yes. But not like a puzzle. I am not solving puzzles before coffee.”


“Dear Simon, is glitter okay in a rental?”
Simon:
“I have opened a file on you.”


“Dear Simon, do cleaners notice things?”
Simon:
“The Can-Do Crew is kind.
I am thorough.”

Chapter 6: The Can-Do Crew (The Actual Reason Everything Works)

While Simon is:

• Annotating schedules

• Managing “communications”

• Writing like a raccoon who has seen too much

The Can-Do Crew is:

• Dialing in same-day turns

• Managing laundry like professionals

• Turning chaos into guest-ready

Marie, Melissa, Sydni, Lori, Shelly, Jordan, Corri, William,  don’t miss.
Because this isn’t theory.
It’s what they do.



Final Notes (Filed by Simon, Clarified by Charlene)

Simon would like it officially recorded that:

• He is “overseeing operations”

• He is “tracking patterns”

• He is “very involved at a high level”

Charlene would like it recorded:
He was just supposed to stop standing there smelling garbage.


Moral of the Story

Sometimes you give someone a small task to keep them busy.
And sometimes…
They turn it into:

• A leadership role

• A rewritten schedule

• A questionable phone system

• A blog

• An advice column

• And an active investigation into glitter

And now…
Simon is watching everything.
Writing it down.
And circling things that concern him.