The Case of the Desk That Declared Independence

 

The Case of the Desk That Declared Independence

Under the Bed Chronicles Presents:

Ask Simon: What’s on Charlene’s Desk?

This week’s question comes from our friends at Bake From Your Heart. Apparently they wanted to know what exactly is sitting on Charlene’s desk. Simon was immediately assigned to investigate because nobody else was willing to sign the liability waiver.

People often imagine the desk of a cleaning company owner as a spotless masterpiece of organization. A place where every paper is filed, every pen is neatly arranged, and angels sing softly in the background.

Those people have clearly never owned a cleaning company.

Charlene’s desk is less of a desk and more of a command center disguised as an archaeological dig site. Somewhere beneath the layers of paperwork, office supplies, and mysterious objects is a perfectly good desktop that historians believe existed at one point.

Simon began his investigation at 9:03 a.m.

By 9:17 a.m. he had already found three pens, two notebooks, a tape measure, a dog treat, and Lint Eastwood sleeping in a chai tea ring.

When asked for comment, Lint Eastwood narrowed his eyes and said:

“There’s room for only one investigator in this office.”

Simon blew his stop whistle and issued a formal warning.

Lint ignored it.

Layer One: The Clipboard Zone

Naturally.

There were four clipboards visible immediately.

A fifth clipboard was discovered underneath the first four.

One clipboard contained cleaning schedules.

One contained property notes.

One contained property bios.

One appeared to contain a list of things that needed to be transferred onto another list.

The fifth clipboard remains under investigation.

Simon attempted to review its contents.

Lint Eastwood sat on it.

Layer Two: The Sticky Note Colony

Nobody knows where they came from.

Nobody knows when they arrived.

Simon is reasonably certain they have formed a functioning government.

Several appear to hold elected office.

Many contain important reminders.

Others contain messages such as:

“Call Melissa.”

“Order towels.”

“Why?”

One sticky note simply said:

“Ask Charlene.”

Another said:

“Ask Will.”

A third simply said:

“Figure it out.”

Simon filed a workplace grievance.

The grievance was reviewed by the Sticky Note Council.

The council denied his claim.

The council then promoted itself.

Layer Three: The Chai Tea Preservation Project

At first Simon believed there was one chai tea.

Further excavation revealed three cups.

One was hot.

One was cold.

One had reached a stage of existence best described as “administrative.”

Nobody could remember when it had been made.

Lint Eastwood immediately claimed it as his office.

Simon blew his stop whistle.

Lint responded by placing a tiny “Manager” sign next to the cup.

The matter remains unresolved.

Layer Four: The Measuring Tape Phenomenon

Simon discovered not one but two tape measures.

Nobody was actively measuring anything.

Nobody remembered using them.

Yet there they were.

This raises an important question:

Why does every business owner own approximately seventeen tape measures and only know where one of them is at any given time?

The answer remains unknown.

One tape measure was found next to a notebook.

One was found next to a calculator.

Neither location offered any clues.

Simon briefly considered measuring the desk itself but became distracted by a sticky note that simply said:

“Don’t forget.”

Forget what?

The mystery continues.

Layer Five: The Calculator

Used for payroll.

Estimates.

Supply costs.

And calculating how a family of four managed to use fourteen bath towels, six hand towels, and every washcloth in Carbon County during a two-night stay.

The calculator declined to comment.

Layer Six: The Phone Habitat

The phone was observed making noises continuously.

Ringing.

Buzzing.

Dinging.

Alerting.

Demanding attention.

Most alarming was a sound Simon described as:

“SOS. SOS. SOS.”

Simon immediately assumed a member of the Can-Do Crew had become stranded on a mountain, trapped by a moose, or buried beneath an avalanche of king sheets.

He launched a full emergency response.

The message was:

“Can someone bring more toilet paper to Wilderness?”

At one point Simon looked away for thirty seconds and returned to find seventeen new notifications.

The phone received three text messages, two emails, a missed call, and another SOS alert while he was counting the first notifications.

Simon blew his stop whistle repeatedly.

The phone continued ringing.

The SOS alerts continued sounding.

The Can-Do Crew continued solving problems.

Simon eventually learned that not every emergency involves actual danger.

Sometimes the emergency is toilet paper.

Sometimes it’s towels.

Sometimes it’s a guest who cannot locate the light switch despite standing directly next to it.

The phone remains the single busiest employee in the company.

Layer Seven: The Notebook Stack

Simon discovered multiple notebooks.

Each notebook contained valuable information.

Business ideas.

Marketing plans.

Property notes.

Vacation rental improvements.

Random measurements.

A grocery list.

Half of a grocery list.

And what may have been the beginning of a software program on her Mac.

One notebook simply contained the words:

“Important Stuff.”

Simon found this less helpful than expected.

The Drawer Expedition

At approximately 2:14 p.m., Simon made the decision to open the desk drawers.

This decision would later be described as “ambitious.”

The first drawer contained:

Property bios.

Training records.

Calendars.

Policies.

Procedures.

Emergency contacts.

Supply information.

Property information.

And approximately three hundred pieces of paper that Charlene can somehow locate within thirty seconds.

Simon asked how this was possible.

Charlene replied:

“I know where everything is.”

Simon wrote down:

“Possible wizard.”

The second drawer contained enough office supplies to survive a moderate apocalypse.

Pens.

Markers.

Tape.

Staples.

Paper clips.

Sticky notes.

More sticky notes.

Even more sticky notes.

Simon is now convinced the Sticky Note Council originated here.

The third drawer contained things that could only be described as:

Important.

Nobody could explain them.

Nobody could throw them away.

Nobody could remember why they were there.

Simon carefully closed the drawer and backed away slowly.

He then blew his stop whistle for safety.

Lint Eastwood immediately opened the drawer again.

The investigation suffered a setback.

Unexpected Discoveries

During the investigation Simon also located:

• Two paper clips that appear to be married.
• A highlighter with no cap.
• A cap with no highlighter.
• A charging cable that belongs to absolutely nothing currently owned by anybody.
• A receipt from an event nobody remembers attending.
• A binder clip large enough to secure a suspension bridge.
• One dog hair.
• Then enough additional dog hair to construct a third dog.

Most concerning of all:

Lint Eastwood was discovered operating an unauthorized snack stand behind a stack of notebooks.

Business appeared brisk.

Simon’s Official Findings

After reviewing all available evidence, Simon has concluded that Charlene’s desk is not a desk.

It is a small town.

The sticky notes run the government.

The phone controls the weather.

The tape measures are breeding.

The notebooks contain the town archives.

The desk drawers contain the national records office.

The chai tea cups are historical landmarks.

And Lint Eastwood is strongly suspected of entrepreneurial activities.

Simon attempted to restore order several times.

He blew his stop whistle.

He created reports.

He organized committees.

He issued citations.

None of it helped.

At 4:37 p.m. he officially closed the investigation and declared the desk “probably fine.”

Five minutes later he lost his clipboard.

Lint Eastwood denies any involvement.

Have a question for Simon? Send it our way. He’ll investigate, overanalyze it, create a color-coded evidence board, lose the evidence board, find it three weeks later, and somehow still find time to blame the dust bunny named Lint Eastwood.