Winter Is Coming. And It Wants Its Dirt Back.

 

Winter Is Coming. And It Wants Its Dirt Back.

A Note From Charlene

Before Simon starts carrying on about winter preparedness, I should mention that I have actually sat on an Iron Throne on Lokrum Island in Croatia.

Simon has not.

This is largely because Simon is a raccoon.

He is also the unofficial mascot of Beartooth Cleaning, defender of Red Lodge, keeper of the banana phone, and part-time investigator of missing snacks.

This is relevant because Simon has spent years claiming to be the leading authority on winter preparedness, dust bunny warfare, and strategic household defense.

Carry on, Simon.

Simon’s Fall Report to the Realm

I stand watch over Red Lodge and feel uniquely qualified to announce:

Winter is coming.

Not because a raven delivered a message, a Red Priestess warned me, or I had a prophetic dream involving dust bunnies.

Because I’ve seen what you’ve been dragging into your house all summer.

Every hike, camping trip, fishing trip, rodeo, mountain adventure, and afternoon spent exploring Montana leaves a little piece behind.

Unlike vacation photos, it doesn’t stay neatly organized.

It ends up in your entryway, vehicle, floor mats, behind furniture, behind appliances, and somehow behind the toilet.

By September, many homes have successfully imported approximately half of the local trail system.

The dog helped.

The kids helped.

Your boots definitely helped.

You know nothing, Jon Snow.

But somehow your house knows exactly where to hide dirt.

Every summer, the White Walkers grow stronger.

Trail dust marches down from the mountains.

Dog hair multiplies at alarming rates.

Pine needles slip through the defenses.

Gravel establishes settlements in floor mats.

Crumbs form alliances beneath the couch.

And somewhere in the shadows, Lint Eastwood quietly expands his territory.

A dust bunny here, a dust bunny there, and before long he’s collecting taxes and issuing permits.

Meanwhile, somewhere near the front door, Hodor is doing his best to hold the door against the coming winter.

Simon appreciates the effort, especially when it’s twenty below and somebody keeps leaving the door open.

Meanwhile, Simon stands watch at the Wall armed with:

• One clipboard
• One banana phone
• One STOP whistle
• One vacuum
• Two microfiber cloths

Unfortunately, Simon has been unable to secure dragon glass for the coming battle.

Management has denied every request.

Apparently vacuums are considered more practical.

Simon remains unconvinced.

Samwell Tarly had dragon glass.

Simon has a vacuum.

We all fight with the tools we’re given.

Simon’s List

Every great defender of the realm keeps a list.

Arya had hers.

Simon has his.

Every night before bed, Simon quietly recites the enemies of Red Lodge.

It usually starts with trail dust, gravel, crumbs, and glitter.

Drifts into Lego bricks.

(Those are personal.)

And always ends with Lint Eastwood.

Some habits are difficult to break.

The Dragons

Simon would very much like a dragon.

Specifically, one of Daenerys Targaryen’s dragons.

Management denied that request.

Simon then requested Khal Drogo.

Management denied that request as well.

Apparently management believes a vacuum is sufficient.

Simon strongly disagrees.

When facing an army of rapidly multiplying Lint Eastwoods, Simon feels a dragon and a Dothraki warlord would be an entirely reasonable response.

Management has suggested another microfiber cloth instead.

Simon filed an appeal.

Tyrion Lannister Drinks and Knows Things

Simon once attempted to adopt this philosophy.

“I drink and I know things,” Simon announced.

Tyrion looked up from his wine.

“No. I drink wine and I know things.”

He looked Simon over carefully.

“You are currently drinking coffee, carrying a clipboard, a banana phone, and a whistle that says STOP.”

“It is not the same thing.”

Simon immediately submitted a request for wine privileges.

The request was immediately denied.

Simon still knows things.

Mostly where the dust is hiding.

It’s behind the furniture.

Under the couch.

And in the corner that hasn’t seen daylight since Easter.

What Fall You Should Do

Before winter arrives, Fall You has a chance to get ahead of things.

A fall deep clean helps:

• Remove months of summer dirt and dust
• Refresh floors before snow season begins
• Clean baseboards and corners
• Tackle areas hidden behind furniture
• Reduce dust before furnace season
• Prepare for holiday gatherings
• Evict any dust bunnies attempting to claim the Iron Throne

Because when January arrives, nobody wants to spend their weekend scrubbing.

Some people approach fall cleaning like Oberyn Martell.

Confident.

Stylish.

Certain they’re winning.

Right up until they look under the couch and meet The Mountain of dust bunnies, dog treats, bones, popcorn, pine needles, and mystery debris.

Nobody defeats winter in Montana.

And for the love of all Seven Kingdoms…

Close the door.

Hodor can’t do everything himself.

Otherwise…

“Shame.”

ding ding

“Shame.”

ding ding

Simon doesn’t make the rules.

He just rings the bell.

Brienne Would Have Finished the Checklist

Let’s be honest.

If Brienne of Tarth were in charge, this blog would be much shorter.

The checklist would already be finished.

The dirt would be gone.

And Lint Eastwood would have been arrested weeks ago.

Brienne finishes what she starts.

Simon respects that.

Lint Eastwood does not.

Tormund, meanwhile, fully supports Brienne’s plan.

Simon suspects his reasons may not be entirely professional.

Jaime Understands

By October, Simon has adopted the expression of Jaime Lannister after watching people ignore perfectly reasonable advice.

The checklist wasn’t finished.

The dirt is still there.

And someone is insisting everything is fine.

Simon responds with the long, exhausted stare Jaime reserved for Cersei, Joffrey, and pretty much anyone making decisions.

Somewhere in the distance, a bell rings.

“Shame.”

ding ding

The Hound

Every cleaning company has its champions.

The Hound is the cleaner who takes one look at The Mountain of dust bunnies, dog treats, bones, popcorn, pine needles, and mystery debris living under the couch and says:

“Fine. Let’s do it.”

The Mountain rarely wins.

The Can-Do Crew has a reputation to maintain.

Simon’s Official Winter Readiness Report

☑ Dragon glass request denied

☑ Dragon request denied

☑ Khal Drogo request denied

☑ Wine privileges denied

☑ Holiday guests approaching

☑ Winter approaching

Final Thoughts

Winter is coming.

And somewhere beneath your couch, Lint Eastwood is preparing for another season of questionable leadership.

Of course, every dust bunny kingdom eventually falls.

And when that day comes, Simon suspects Lint Eastwood’s final words will be:

“Tell Simon…”

He paused dramatically.

“I want him to know it was me.”

The best time to prepare isn’t January.

It’s before winter arrives.

The North remembers.

Unfortunately…

So does the dirt.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to file another request for dragon glass and wine privileges.

Management won’t approve either one.

But a raccoon can dream.

— Simon, Lord Commander of the Night Sweep

(And Lint Eastwood, Self-Proclaimed King of Dust Bunny Landing)

Beartooth Cleaning of Red Lodge, LLC
📞 406-426-1494
🌐 https://beartoothcleaning.com
📝 https://beartoothcleaning.blogspot.com

Preparing your home before winter isn’t just about having a cleaner house. It’s about making the months you’ll spend indoors healthier, more comfortable, and a whole lot easier to enjoy.

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